Scones do it better

My Person

Part 5: His Lavender Haze

Perry was sitting with Jack, watching some Walt Disney movie. There was some kind of doe-eyed princess singing on the screen but that was the last thing on his mind. He and JD him were on decent terms at the moment. The kid was really impressing him: he had yet to ask any questions about the whole silent treatment. He knew it probably was killing JD inside.

He had feelings for JD.

No matter how many times he thought the words, they never stopped sounding strange. They never stopped ringing true either.

He had feelings for JD, but JD was with Harrison. Normally, Perry would just have fought for the person he was interested in. He would have fought hard and dirty just like he had for Carla. But just like he had to admit Turk was good to Carla, he had to admit that Harrison was good to JD. He was also fond of Harrison, who, he knew, hadn’t had that much luck in love from what Bob had told him. And did he really want to deal with the mess that it would bring? Especially when rejection was assured.  Why create so much drama when he knew it wasn’t going to lead to anything? Besides, he didn’t even know how far his feelings for the younger man went. Perry rubbed the arch of his nose.

“Slweepy daddy?”

“No. Sleepy Jack.”

“No! Not slweepy” 

Perry picked up his son and flipped him upside down.

“Admit it, you’re tired!”

“Noooo.” Jack giggled. Perry grunted and shook his kid a little.

“Now?”

“Noooo.” More giggles. Perry smiled a little. He was getting better at the whole father thing.

***

Perry knew the anger management was working. Some people might have questioned it, since he acted and looked like the same old ranting jackass, but Perry knew better. Just a few months ago, he would have been tackling, or, at the very least threatening, the people who so much as glanced at JD. Not that he didn’t feel the urge to slam them against a wall or trip them up, but he was controlling it. Imagining himself doing it actually helped relieve a lot of the itch. Plus, he could rationalize the fact that JD wasn’t his and he had no right to do so, even if he really, really wanted to. Damn. It meant therapy was actually working. He was not telling his therapist that. 

He knew JD wasn’t that bad looking but he hadn’t expected him to receive that much attention. Of what he had heard from Lavern, it had been like that since his coming out.

A nurse walked past them, something Perry wouldn’t have noticed before. The nurse’s eyes lingered on JD. Perry glared and growled at the offender. He saw the man cower a little and Perry smiled dangerously. Hey, he never said he was cured. Perry saw JD blush. What kind of man blushes? JD really brought the rants on himself.

“For god’s sake, Delilah, stop blushing like you’re some white virgin maiden! I know, the guys are giving you attention this month, but PLEEE-AH-SE trust me when I say this, they only do so because you are new on the menu. They will tire of you when they realize you are no different then the other pasty white boring gals around here.”

JD’s blush intensified, which irritated Perry even more; how could he be so innocent? Just this morning, three other guys had checked him out and JD hadn’t noticed anything. Assholes. Perry saw a strange smile spread on the younger man; that never was a good thing.

“Wait a minute. You’ve noticed guys checking me out?”

“Oh come on, a blind person could have noticed. They are not that slick.”

Perry thanked himself for his amazing reflexes. God he was good.

“You know what’s slick? The Todd’s moves in the sack.”

The Todd had popped out of nowhere, as he usually did. He was wearing a rainbow colored bandana and holding his right hand out, ready for a high five. Perry glared at him for good measure, but he was actually glad for the distraction; it meant that JD wouldn’t ask questions.

“No high five Dr. Cox?"

Perry took a deep breath and started one of his classic surgeons rants. It was more for form than anything else. He never got any enjoyment out of it when the recipient was the Todd. The surgeon really was exceptionally dense. He didn’t get that he was being insulted most of the time. What was the point of a rant if it didn’t chip away at the recipient’s will to live?

Perry’s day went downhill from there. He’s patients decided that they were all going to crash one after the other. By the end of his shift he had managed to stabilize them all. He was worn out and all he wanted was to go home, shower and drink a few cold beers while watching sports. Maybe take care of business since he hadn’t had any in a while. But life had other plans for him. He was about to sit down on the couch when the door opened.

“Per-per!” Jordan was smiling slyly at him. Had it been eleven days already?

“What do you want she-devil? I’m not in the mood.” 

“Awww… Did your little girlfriend break up with you?”

Perry sighed. He wanted this to be over with as soon as possible. Jordan, for once, seemed to agree. She walked toward him with purpose and presence.

“Fine, my date cancelled and I need a filler. Get undressed and tell me where you have hidden the ropes.”

Perry decided he didn’t mind Jordan’s presence after all. The sex had always been the good part of their relationship. He enjoyed being bossed around, especially by beautiful strong women. It was about the loss of control; having one place where he could let go and have someone else decide everything, someone else worry about everything.

That’s why he found himself tied up to his bed, Jordan crawling toward him in her lingerie. She never was gentle: she always would bite and scratch a little too hard. He loved it. Right now she was pulling his hair and biting his neck. Perry closed his eyes for a moment, concentrating on the sensations. The touches were oddly painful and they didn’t turn him on as much as they should have. He breathed in, trying to empty his mind so he could enjoy the sex. He’d be damned if he was getting old enough to be “too tired” for sex. Perry’s eyes opened wide when he was overwhelmed by the scent of lavender and lilies (Jordan’s new toxic concoction she called “perfume”.) because images of JD’s face and body took over his mind immediately. And they weren’t going away.

“Jordan, stop.”

“Shut up and take it!”

She smiled at him.

“Jordan I mean it. STOP.”

He hadn’t yelled, but it was clear that he wanted her off of him. Jordan looked surprised, but she did get off.

“What is wrong with you?”

“There’s someone.”

“Let me guess… She’s strong, dominant and most likely a brunette.”

“Actually, no.”

Jordan blinked at him. Perry understood her surprise; he did have a type after all. He didn’t bother correcting her use of the feminine pronoun because he did call JD girls names, most of the time anyway.

“If it’s that serious why didn’t you tell me so earlier on?”

“’Cause we are not dating. Or sleeping together.”

“Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that you like someone so much, that even though you two aren’t together, you still won’t have fabulous sex with me? Because if it’s the case, you are SUCH a girl!”

“Yeah… I am”

To Perry’s surprise, the admission didn’t hurt his ego as much as he had expected it to.

“So why aren’t you with her? If she’s that extraordinary I would have expected you to have swept her away by now.”

Perry frowned as a migraine started to pound in his head.

“With someone.”

Jordan laughed.

“You, Perry Cox, have fallen hard for a woman who is already happily with someone else, who is not a dominant bitch and, I’m guessing here, has no idea you want her in a romantic way.”

She chuckled. Perry growled. The situation was shitty enough on its own, he really didn’t feel like being mocked by his ex-wife on top of it. 

“What is she like?”

Perry didn’t answer right away.

“…Caring…Patient…Generous...Determined… Smart, well most of the time… Exceptional, really.”

Jordan went silent. Then she laughed.

“You love her.”

“I’m not sure.”

There was an odd silence.

“Did you ever like me that much?”

The question surprised Perry. Jordan never had been one to show emotions.

“When we were first together. Before the whole mess…”

Perry thought he saw her nod. She got up and dressed herself.

“Well… I’d love to meet her. ‘Night Per-per!”

“Jordan. JORDAN! Untie me…”

“Aww… I don’t think so dear.”

Jordan left. Perry groaned. He had managed to untie himself about an hour later. He had nasty rope burns on his wrists, but he knew his plastic bracelets (they looked manly on him and they supported different causes), were going to hide the worst of it. After taking a piss, Perry let himself fall onto his bed. The migraine that had started earlier was expanding.

Perry growled. He was becoming touchy feely. He rolled over, refusing to take any painkillers or alcohol to try to numb his migraine. He could take it. He could take pretty much anything life threw his way.

***

The next morning Perry woke up in a shitty mood. He had tossed and turned all night due to his headache. The rope burns still stung a little and he was running late for work. He hurried through his morning routine, but of course, life being what it was, he ended up stuck in an unusual amount of traffic. Anger was slowly rising in his chest.

He finally arrived at the hospital, fifteen minutes late. After catching up on his lost time, yes he was that good, Perry walked by the nurse station. Spotting JD, he smirked. Poking at the young man was sure to relieve some of his piled up anger.

He listened to what Newbie and Turk were chatting about so animatedly.

“You are so screwed.”

Well it was better then nothing. Besides, he didn’t have the patience to wait for a better line.

“Now, now Newbie, how many times do I have to tell you that I REA-HA-LLY don’t want to hear about the details of your very vanilla and geeky sexual life?”

JD squirmed and Perry tried to convince himself he wasn’t enjoying that noise as much as he was. He kept on walking, knowing the young man had baited and was most likely following him.

“We were not talking about sex!”

“Don’t care.” No, he didn’t. He didn’t. He wouldn’t.

“Actually, I would love to get your input on this. I mean, you have known Dr. Kelso for years now… Is there anything I really should know to avoid problems with him or his wife?”

Perry’s wish had been answered. He thanked all the deities he didn’t believe in for this gift. He was getting to unwind all his anger in a long speech and he was going to do so with the added bonus of lashing out on Kelso.

“I thought I had been clear on the hating Dr. Kelso and not associating with him or anyone who knows him part? Are you really going to make me repeat myself again, Juliet, ‘cause I swear to god—”

“Yes, yes, Perry. Big speech. We heard it all before. I’m serious when I say you need to find something new. Oh and see you this evening Dr. Dorian. I hope you like tuna casserole.”

Perry started huffing and puffing. Being interrupted and berated in the middle of his rant, by Kelso of all people! He was going to strangle the man. He was…Wait. Oh and see you this evening Dr. Dorian. I hope you like tuna casserole. Why on earth would Bobo see JD in the evening? He felt his migraine slowly coming back.

“You are going to the Kelsos’? Why don’t you just bend over and take it while you’re at it! I don’t even understand how you got him to agree to something like that in the first place.”

“Well, Harrison thought it was about time I met his family. We are starting to get serious, and that sounded like the right next step.”

He should have seen that one coming, but it made sense that he hadn’t. After all, he had always insisted on being left of on the details of JD’s love life. Not to mention that JD had always rushed into things headfirst and screwed up his relationships before they even got close to being serious. Perry’s anger, strangely enough, vanished. The feeling was not replaced; in fact it just felt like there was a void in his mind.

“Oh. Well good for you JD... Let’s see how long it will take you before to screw up this time.”

Perry had noticed his own slip just in time to add an insult. Said insult had sounded flat to his own ears. The younger man seemed to have noticed, too. Their pagers went off and they had to get moving since a patient was crashing. Perry was thankful.

***

Perry was sitting on his couch, turning the TV on. He was not going to pass the evening thinking about how JD was eating tuna casserole at the Kelsos. He downed a glass of scotch.

“Well, Harrison thought it was about time I met his family. We are starting to get serious, and that sounded like the right next step.”

Perry downed another glass.

Oh and see you this evening Dr. Dorian. I hope you like tuna casserole.

Perry’s eyes followed the football players on the screen without really seeing them. He downed a third glass.

“…You love her.”

“I’m not sure.”

Perry was about to serve himself a fourth glass when he noticed the bottle was empty. He was sure there was another one in his cabinet. He was sure one more drink would make him cross the line between casually drinking while watching a game, to drinking to numb emotions he didn’t want to deal with. He was sure if he got up to fetch more scotch he would fall back into his old bad habits, the ones he had worked so hard to get rid of for his son.

He was sure.

Perry flipped his glass; the open side now facing down. He slammed it on the side table. His headache had left him. He watched the game for the rest of the evening and fell asleep on the sofa soon after it was over.

He was sure…

***

When he had woken up that morning, Perry had thrown the empty scotch bottle and shot glass in the garbage can. He was feeling better. That wasn’t the case for Mr. Owens who had came in for a minor digestive problem. Further probing of his person had uncovered a problem; Perry was hearing a murmur in the man’s heart and it wasn’t faint.  

Perry excused himself, wanting someone to double check his prognosis. It was one of those rare times when he actually liked to be wrong. He finally crossed paths with the person he had been searching for: Newbie, who looked even more spaced out than usual.   

“Katia! Are you going stare out into space all day or are you going to give me a hand with this?”

JD immediately turned toward him. Was that relief on his face? Perry didn’t ponder on it too much; he wanted to know whether or not he had to give bad news to Mr. Owens. Unfortunately, Perry had been right. He made the younger doctor work all morning so they could find the source of the problem faster with their united efforts. By lunchtime they had a diagnostic for Mr. Owens and arranged for a surgery consult. It wasn’t until JD left for lunch that Perry realized the kid hadn’t spoken much, something pretty unusual since the kid never shut his yawper. He knew something was a little off when Newbie didn’t show up at the cafeteria. While Mr. Owens’s case had been important, the rest of the day was quite slow. The kid had no excuses not to be around. When Carla, Barbie and Gandhi asked him about JD, Perry frowned. They should have talked to him by now; there had been plenty of time for that. They were the ones he should be questioning about the younger doctor not the other way around. He had left the cafeteria shortly after that, fearing that they would try to reel him into whatever drama that might be going on.

Perry worked all day, using the extra time brought by the slower pace to be more present for his patients. JD would have glowed if he knew that Perry had taken his “extra mile” crap to heart. Perry decided to go watch his soap for his break. He was surprised to find JD in the staff living room, still working when today he really didn’t have to be there more then necessary.

“Newbie, your shift’s over.”

“Oh yeah. I’m just finishing this one and I’ll be out”

Perry waved his hand in his “I really don’t care” way and left the room. He was being ridiculous. Newbie was simply doing his job, probably catching up on some neglected paperwork. Perry growled. He was becoming sensitive. He did not like that.

Perry ended up taking a nap in the on call room. He then proceeded to finish his shift. Tonight he was going to have peace. He had no fathering to do, no Jordan to come in and tie him up and, more importantly, no stupid emotive crap to deal with. As he walked the corridor, he saw that JD’s scooter was still in the parking lot. He growled to himself, making a jittery intern that was around jump in fright, as he decided to go check the living room once more. He hated himself for it because he knew that the room would be empty and he would find JD talking with his “wife” at the nurse station shortly after that.

Perry opened the door. He was surprised to see JD still there. There was a considerable pile of finished paperwork neatly stacked before him. The younger doctor didn’t seem to have heard him.

“Belinda!"

No reaction.

“Katie-Anne!”

Still nothing.

“Newbie?”

Had he lost his hearing? Perry was starting to wonder if had made a mistake choosing him to check on that heart murmur. He sighed tiredly. Well one last chance.

“…JD!”

That time he had a reaction.

“Oh hi. I was leaving.”

Yes. And Perry was a part time showgirl. Nothing irritated him more then people who lied to his face. He ought to grow a pair damn it.

“Look Tabitha, you don’t want to talk about it fine by me, I don’t enjoy listening to your girly drama, but don’t lie to my face, have some dignity.”

“Why do you care anyway?”

Perry sighed and turned around; he was going to regret this just he knew it. As he was leaving he glanced back.

“Well are you coming or what?”

“Hum, yeah. I just have to drop my papers at the nurses’ station.”

Perry grunted. He was already extending more consideration than he normally would have, like hell if he was going to gab and babble. They headed outside toward the parking lot. Perry decided to let the kid sit in front. Knowing him, he probably would act like an excited puppy for days just because of that little privilege.

Where could they go? The kid clearly didn’t want to go to his place, since he had chosen to spend his free time doing mind numbing paper work at the hospital instead. Perry was not bringing JD to his own place, because that would be just weird given the circumstances. The bar would include alcohol, and he knew he would drink, and that could only lead to places that really should be avoided. He heard JD’s stomach growl, but the younger doctor didn’t seem to be aware of it. Food would be good but at this time of the night they didn’t have a lot of options. Fast food was out of the question considering all the work he put in his appearance. Perry then remembered a breakfast joint he and Jack had enjoyed not long ago. He drove there, glancing occasionally at JD who was abnormally silent. They finally arrived.

“Breakfast? It’s like, what, 11 pm?”

“If you’re not happy you can walk home.”

He was already doing more then he normally would. JD could take it or leave it.

“No. No. Breakfast is great.” Attaboy.

Soon they were sitting in a more secluded corner. Perry liked the waitresses and waiters here: they didn’t bother customers. Soon they ordered their meal. JD, unsurprisingly, ordered something sickeningly sweet. The man had just complained about eating breakfast so late in the night and now he was ordering pure sugar to feast on. The kid’s logic was beyond Perry’s comprehension. The silence would have pleased him in other circumstances, but the fact of the matter was, he had taken JD out so he would talk and for the first time he wasn’t doing that. No matter how much he stared at him, JD didn’t speak. When the younger man was halfway through his plate, Perry decided to fish for answers because that much silence was not a good sign.

“So Mary-Jane, now that you have busted your sugar limit for the week in one single meal, feel like emptying your heart?”

JD glared at him but his face immediately softened.

“I just thought this time would be different.”

“I’m guessing the dinner didn’t go too well.”

He hadn’t forgotten about that, but he had avoided the subject all day. He had expected to hear all about it in gossip form anyway, but not once was it brought up in any of the inane conversations that had surrounded him at work.

“No actually it went pretty good. Dr. Kelso gets pretty talky after his seventh glass of sangria.”

“Then why the heck are you moping about?”

If this had all been useless drama over some insignificant details he was going to strangle the man, regardless of his feelings for him.

“I told Harrison I loved him. He dumped me after saying he couldn’t live here and he cared too much about me to ask me to move away with him. Oh and then he told me he was leaving for Vancouver. He apparently had made a deposit on a place there.”

Perry was at lost for words. He had not expected that answer. Harrison and JD had seemed well paired off. Not to mention that with the way Kelso talked about his son, he would never had expected such cowardice from him. Heck, with just the time he had passed with him at the hospital, he never would have expected something like that. Ruining a perfectly good relationship for such a small detail… What a waste.

“Good riddance.” 

Perry noticed the surprised expression on JD’s face and elaborated.

“I have no respect for wimps. Running away from a problem is pure cowardice.”

“But ignoring someone for three weeks isn’t.”

He had expected that one. Perry knew it had to come up eventually. It still stung a little, especially with JD’s wounded voice.

“I never said it wasn’t.”

Perry paid the bills, not allowing JD to ruin his good intentions. As they drove in silence toward JD’s apartment, Perry’s mind didn’t stay as quiet as his passenger. Perry wasn’t much better than Harrison. He shouldn’t burden JD with his feelings for him. Newbie deserved someone caring and loving. Then again, he had believed Harrison would be it, and that clearly hadn’t been the case. It occurred to Perry that he was actually much better than Harrison, because he had stayed. He had faced the problem, even if it had taken him time to admit there was one in the first place. And he had wanted to deal with it. He wanted to tell that to JD. He deserved that much.

The car came to a stop. JD was opening the door. It was now or never.

“Look JD. I’m not proud of what I did. I was a bastard about it and I know it. Heck I had to talk about it to my shrink because I knew it wasn’t good for either of us.”

“You are aware we will have to talk about it eventually?”

“Yes. I know. I wouldn’t expect anything different from you.” And he actually liked JD for it.

Perry looked at JD’s face. It made something in him twist and flop like it hadn’t in years.

“JD…”

Perry saw the young man stiffen at the use of his “real” name.

“…Take care."

JD’s face became unreadable.

“You too.”

JD closed the door and left for his apartment. Perry knew he had made the right decision. Now was not the right time to tell JD how he felt. He just had broken up with someone he had clearly said he loved. It would be unfair for Perry to shove his feelings on him like that. Perry was becoming a better person. He should have been proud.

“I’ve become such a wimp”.

He drove back to his place: so much for the calm evening.

AN2:  I hope you enjoyed it. I can’t promise when the next part will be up since I have “real” life things planned plus I need to figure just where I want to go for Part VI. Be assured that I will try to be as quick as possible ;)